Get out of my HEAD!!!

I wish I could keep the voices in my head under control. The thoughts that I cant stop “I should of said this.” “Why did they do that?” “What did they mean by that?” “Why is everyone lying?”

It goes on and on, all day and night. The suspicion,the anxiety the feeling of depression. The anger and the tears come at will. Both are uncontrollable.

I realize now I’ve always been this way and the alcohol and pills helped me control it. Now that’s gone there is no way to control my feelings and behaviors.

Where do I go from here? Do I want to start drinking again? Hell yea I do… Do I want to go back to where I was when I drank? Not in a million years. Can I keep myself on the right track? I sure hope so but at this point I can only say “One day at a time”.

Shame

Don’t be ashamed.

If you’ve already gotten help or have some sobriety under your belt, and you’re breaking the news to your loved ones, do it without shame. You should be proud of yourself for facing your addiction head on and making changes in your life. As long as you accept who you are, what you’ve been through, and stay committed to where you’re going, your loved ones will understand.

Family of the addict

No one told me how hard it was gonna be on my Family (specifically my husband) while I was getting sober. Trying to get sober and do the right things for my recovery is really impacting my Husband.

First let me start by saying he loves me and wants more than anything for me to be sober. He supported me thru detox, he supported me thru PHP (30 days), and he supports me going to AA where we live… so where does he have the problem you ask. After PHP I then attended IOP in Lexington. It was 3 hours a day, 4 days a week for 5 weeks. This mtg is one of great importance for me because it is led by a great Therapist and it is a small group of people in which 2 of the people I went to JP in Bowling Green are also attending . Throughout the whole 5 weeks he would constantly ask me if I was going to a mtg today? He would ask me’Isn’t this your last mtg?? Etc… now we are beginning the aftercare portion of the program and he cannot understand why I need the aftercare. I have tried talking to him about my feelings and needs and tonight shared a podcast about addiction with him. Has it helped? I don’t think it did. We both had a terrible time sleeping last night and of course I made it about me but this morning he woke up and was upset about property lines???? I don’t understand where to go from here or what to do. The mtgs are important to me and I feel they are helping me in my recovery. How do I get him to understand? How do we move forward?

Mindfulness

Going thru recovery I have been trying to practice mindfulness. I’m very new at it but can see the benefits it can provide to those of us going through recovery as one of our tools. It’s benefit and my lack of practicing it was apparent to me the other day when my 3 yr old grandson and I were watching a commercial about Mary poppins. He noticed things during the commercial that I didn’t see or notice or just plain took advantage of being there. It became clear to me that I’m missing out on a lot going on around me by not paying attention and being mindful. Things I may never get back again, things that could be important to me and my recovery. I will continue to improve my practice and hope I get better to insure my progress on this path.

Baby it’s snowing outside

It’s that time of year, SNOW!!! I don’t know about you but I did some of my best drinking in the winter. We live in the country and when the roads were bad I didn’t go out. I would plan my snow days as soon as the weatherman hinted of any accumulation. For me staples were bread, milk and moonshine. Nothing better than a fire, cable TV, Internet and a quart of moonshine. It sounds good doesn’t it?? Now let me tell you the true story. It was some of the loneliest times of my life. The isolation was horrific. The silence around me would be so loud I couldn’t think. Looking outside my window the whiteness would be blinding instead of beautiful. I would plan it in my mind each time how this time would be better I would enjoy the silence and the beauty of the snow on the trees and ground.

Just like with everything in my life at this time, I was expecting different results doing the same thing.

Do I have a plan to get through this winter without drinking? Yes I do. Will it work? I hope so. I have a lot of tools in my toolbox and I will use everything I have to enjoy this winter and enjoy the beauty it has to offer.

Deciding you are ready to change….

Deciding you’ve had enough, determining you are at your bottom and all you can do is try and claw your way back up. Recognizing you need help but at this point your to scared to ask for it or you’ve lost everyone in your life and no one is there. First of all let me say you can do it and congrats on this first step. Believe me it’s the hardest!!!! Now a bit of advice from a novice… you cannot do it alone. There are many options out there. First of all this is YOUR LIFE your saving and it’s worth more than anything in the world. No amount of money, pain, ego etc.. is worth more than you are. You have a sickness that fucks with your head and you cannot control it. I’m not gonna sell you on a ‘best method’. I am gonna tell you if your all alone reach out to an AA mtg and they can begin to direct your steps toward help such as if you need detox , food, listening ear etc. I’m in no way an AA cheerleader but it’s a great start until you can begin making decisions with a more healthy mind. Walk, Run or crawl to a meeting.