Going thru recovery I have been trying to practice mindfulness. I’m very new at it but can see the benefits it can provide to those of us going through recovery as one of our tools. It’s benefit and my lack of practicing it was apparent to me the other day when my 3 yr old grandson and I were watching a commercial about Mary poppins. He noticed things during the commercial that I didn’t see or notice or just plain took advantage of being there. It became clear to me that I’m missing out on a lot going on around me by not paying attention and being mindful. Things I may never get back again, things that could be important to me and my recovery. I will continue to improve my practice and hope I get better to insure my progress on this path.
It’s that time of year, SNOW!!! I don’t know about you but I did some of my best drinking in the winter. We live in the country and when the roads were bad I didn’t go out. I would plan my snow days as soon as the weatherman hinted of any accumulation. For me staples were bread, milk and moonshine. Nothing better than a fire, cable TV, Internet and a quart of moonshine. It sounds good doesn’t it?? Now let me tell you the true story. It was some of the loneliest times of my life. The isolation was horrific. The silence around me would be so loud I couldn’t think. Looking outside my window the whiteness would be blinding instead of beautiful. I would plan it in my mind each time how this time would be better I would enjoy the silence and the beauty of the snow on the trees and ground.
Just like with everything in my life at this time, I was expecting different results doing the same thing.
Do I have a plan to get through this winter without drinking? Yes I do. Will it work? I hope so. I have a lot of tools in my toolbox and I will use everything I have to enjoy this winter and enjoy the beauty it has to offer.
Deciding you’ve had enough, determining you are at your bottom and all you can do is try and claw your way back up. Recognizing you need help but at this point your to scared to ask for it or you’ve lost everyone in your life and no one is there. First of all let me say you can do it and congrats on this first step. Believe me it’s the hardest!!!! Now a bit of advice from a novice… you cannot do it alone. There are many options out there. First of all this is YOUR LIFE your saving and it’s worth more than anything in the world. No amount of money, pain, ego etc.. is worth more than you are. You have a sickness that fucks with your head and you cannot control it. I’m not gonna sell you on a ‘best method’. I am gonna tell you if your all alone reach out to an AA mtg and they can begin to direct your steps toward help such as if you need detox , food, listening ear etc. I’m in no way an AA cheerleader but it’s a great start until you can begin making decisions with a more healthy mind. Walk, Run or crawl to a meeting.
Where are we now??? do we ever laugh again? Are we still funny? Are we still who we were before ?
I personally can tell you I have laughed more sober than I can ever remember laughing DRUNK. While in recovery I shared a house with 4 other women of all ages (mostly young) and we laughed at ourselves and each other. Not all were alcoholics either some were meth heads some were other drugs. We were all from different walks of life and different economical classification. But we all had one thing in common WE WERE ALL ADDICTED to something. I remember before getting help I isolated a lot so to be thrown into the middle of strange women without alcohol for 30 days scared the shit out of me. But not a day went by that we didn’t support one another and laughed the whole time. Laughter is great and it’s free and it doesn’t come with any strings attached. We have maintained our relationships even though we have went back to our “normal lives”. It’s still a daily battle for us all but we are making it thru with laughter, being open about our struggles and disappointments. If your ever driving down Nicholasville rd during the day you may see me laughing so hard I can’t breath and that’s due to listening to AA Funny Speakers on you tube almost every day. We all have funny recovery stories and if you want a good laugh amidst a great recovery story turn the radio off and put your ear pods in and laugh among the tears and road rage and connect to others just like you, fighting the same battles as you, switch to the story’s of a thousand laughs. By the time you get where your going your mood is completely transformed
3 phases of alcoholism..
FUN PHASE where everything is better, more exciting and overall FUN, FUN, FUN!!!! My head is calm for once I am in control and I can move mountains. My little shot of courage gets me thru the day to accomplish everything. Alcohol was not my problem it was my solution.
FUN PLUS PROBLEM PHASE is where your still having a great time but at the cost of some problems or in my case many problems and put my self in harms way where if I didn’t wake up with bruises or something almost broken it was a miracle. Don’t let me forget the blackouts when others had to tell me what I actually did the night before. Most of the time I totally knew they were lying but sadly they weren’t if I wasn’t in a blackout it would be dog ass funny.
Last but not Least is the PROBLEM PHASE where it’s no longer fun it’s just a matter of survival. Relieving the shakes, getting thru the gags till you can actually get alcohol down. Having hangovers so bad I thought I’d die. Using opioids thru the day till I could start drinking again. There was no FUN during this period this is the point you realize you definitely need help. This is when the lying to yourself and everyone in your life is necessary just so you can still drink.
These 3 Phases lasted from 15 yrs old till August 20 2018 where I was 55 years old.
My IOP is over but not the great friends I made there. Today we will have our first Breakfast at ‘B’s house. I love these guys so much and we’ve been through a lot together over the last couple months. It’s important to keep people in your life that will not only keep you on the path forward but in necessary times pull you forward kicking and screaming if necessary.